1 slightly demented, partially egotistical, aspiring, alpha human
3-4 fully demented, megalomaniacal, brilliant surgeons/ consultants/ mentors
826 surgical tomes (assorted)
Any number of ailing, broken, hapless patients (number required depends on finesse desired)
13458 surgical instruments- scalpels, drills, bone- saws, retractors, elevators, chisels, mallets….
3943874 litres of Betadine
191878 litres of surgical spirit
1928345 stents, catheters, wires, screws, plates, iv tubes, syringes….
Several scores of nurses and support staff
1, preferably 2 well- off, ambitious parents
1 very, very patient and accommodating spouse
14598093093248 hours of toil
12390180497 days of frustration and fatigue
3958039467397 drops or sweat (mixed with a dash of blood)
400034 kilograms of detergent (to wash scrubs, lab coats, shoes)
5096548 litres of cheap, instant coffee
2938 nights of sleeplessness
9204807 hours in the OR
90328 hours in the on-call room
9124870927 hours in the surgical wards
1 or if you can manage 2 friends
234566 litres of alcohol (if no religious mores bind you)
Method of preparation
Method of preparation is fairly straightforward. Put all the above ingredients into a pressure- cooker and let it cook under high pressure for a decade at least. Do not release the steam at any point of time. Greater quantities of certain ingredients will not ruin the Surgeon, but using lesser or below par ingredients definitely will!
Tips on preparing a Fine Surgeon (superior quality product)-
Instill the human with strong sense of ambition from tender age (preferably 5 years or younger). Buy them doctor/ surgeon based toys and games. Allow them to watch endless re- runs of medical dramas on TV.
Nag the human child to always top their class. Be relentless. Push them as hard as you can. If they break, they were not meant to be surgeons anyway!
High school means at least 6 hours of pre- medical entrance “prepping”. No parties, movies, chilling, enjoying, cruising, fun of any kind. Do not allow them to be “cool”. Coolness can come later (once the Surgeon process is complete).
Friends are allowed. As long as they are nerdy, super- competitive pre- meds themselves.
From day one of medical school, the human should not be encouraged in any manner or form to pursue or show interest in any other specialty other than surgery.
Partaking in extra- curricular activities (singing, arts, swimming, athletics, creative writing, debates etc) should be vehemently discouraged.
Internship should be spent in a meditative state with nothing but surgery in mind. In countries (like India), where further “entrance” exams are due, every second of every minute should be spent in preparation and visualization of the exam.
Residency/ post- graduation/ specialization should entail initial torture and derisiveness, followed by wringing every ounce of jocularity and enthusiasm out from the human in question. Throw patients and insults at them every step of the way. Make sure their stomachs are almost always empty. Combine seminars, case- presentations, problem- based sessions, pedagogy exercises, mock exams, publications, research assignments, discussions and viva- voces to make an almost lethal concoction.
Post residency, entice the newbie into further misery by dangling “super- specialty” carrots in front of her/ him. Once they fall into the trap- proceed with the step mentioned above. Again.
It is absolutely paramount that this Surgeon is made over a period of 15 years at least. Any lesser time spent in production, will produce an inferior, sub- par, crass surgeon. The further you prolong this process, the better (unless the ingredients themselves are substandard!).
Age and refine the product further by loading them with fellow humans in distress. Ask them to fix every broken bone, remove every defective part, re- align every misshapen feature…. Until their hands tire and their minds bore.
Teach them to never, ever fail. Sue them if they do. After all, they are made to be SURGEONS, not HUMANS!
Till next time…
P.S. If the above method fails…