Ma Wedensday! Pre- dawn rumination.

We had a rough, fractured night. Some nights suck the life-force out of you. You question your circumstance, and your very existence.

You yearn to be carefree and untethered. You crave a long, hot, calming hour or two in the bath. You wish you did not have to chose between a nightly shower or having a clean kitchen to start off the day with.

You want to magically be converted into a speck of sand along the sea; insignificant and unknown. You want your cares to be bundled up and launched into the sky; never to fall back or return.

You want ear- splitting, heart- thudding, blaring music in your car again.

You want to stay out late, and eat whatever you want and whenever you wish to.

You wish you could stop tip- toeing around in the dark,  and not to have to watch your language as your little toe stubs into the chair leg.

You want to cut, and read, and live; without being guilt ridden.

You lay awake,as dawn approaches; knowing that trying to sleep is an otiose undertaking. While the world  around you sleeps, you have unlikely company- some coffee, a croissant, news and infant Panadol. Ha…

 

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You want your old life back.

You want your old life back.

Oh noo, you don’t! Absolutely not!

Can momentary ambivalence and resentment be held against a mother? 

Or shall we pass it off as temporary madness instigated by sleep deprivation, worry and stress?

 

Till next time..

Dr J.

One Comment

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  1. Same type of night here and hubby not at home. How I envied my life before my absolutely adorable son at some points…

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