Walking on eggshells.

I assume many have abandoned this blog by now. I can see the numbers dwindle and my hard work wither away. It’s been so long, and so sparse. The posts on this page are as rare as rain in Doha, and I could blame circumstance, life and the universe for it. But in truth, I can only blame myself. My tired, sorry little self. My chivvied mind and fagged body.

Life is akin to walking on eggs all day, everyday. A game which you are forced to play, but that you can never win. You can hope to cut your losses and save face, but you may never conquer.

Today I write to applaud and commend all those men and women before me who have done this before us. And to inspire and instill hope in those who will embark upon similar endeavors in life in the future.

To tell them that it is incredibly hard, and yet profoundly gratifying. To confess that silent, inner tears of frustration and exhaustion notwithstanding, a five minute power nap in the middle of the day (in the OR changing room or an empty conference room at office) is as invigorating as a good night’s sleep.

Being a surgical trainee and having a young child (or several) with no family support means your life is propped up on a grand tower of conjectures and uncertainty. There are dozens of ifs and buts and very few certainties . You live each week by the day and each day by the minute. There are so many things that can go wrong each day, chances are something invariably does. Plans are vague notions and back up plans are mirages on the dark horizon. Despite your religious notions you often find yourself seeking divine intervention. You plan for the best and hope the worst does not transpire.

You run and run and run. And just when you think you can do it more, night falls and late as it may be you finally get to give in to the blissful, heavenly weight that weighs your lids down and shuts your harried mind off. You hit dreamland a second before your head hits the the pillow () and at that sweet interlude between awareness and somnolence you know within your deepest, truest self that it is all worth the effort. That you are doing your best and that this too shall pass.

Dr J.

13 Comments

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  1. I do feel for you, Dr J. Being a trainee doctor is never much fun, either in Europe or where you are, and looking after a small child used to be a full time job. Just remember that you are doing two jobs and, of course, you will be tired. Just keep going. It will all be worth it in the end.

    • 🙂 yes, that is the hope. That I wont be a regretful, miserable, old woman who constantly whines about her life and pines for another one. I’m hoping it will all pay off sooner rather than later.

      Thank you!

      • Junior doctors in the UK are having a very hard time at the moment. They are losing enhanced payments for weekend working and often medical couples are posted at opposite ends of a health authority, which makes family life very difficult. Keep stuck in there, Jazna. You do have a good and worthwhile career in the making, plus a husband and a daughter.

      • I am following the story and I can honestly say “I can understand” and empathise with fellow folks in misery!

  2. don’t worry J.. hang on in there..This too, shall pass..

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